Second guess

It seems like one of the things to be dealt with, having CFS, is frequently assessing the state of one’s health–and doing it while dealing with brain fog, too, which renders any decision-making automatically an ordeal.

I know that sometimes it’s better to make myself keep going. I also know that if I choose to do that and I should’ve rested, I’ll pay for it. On the other hand, if I choose to rest and ought to have kept going, I’ll pay for that too. So, sometimes it’s a question of which price I’d rather pay today. For example, biffing a whole day as long as the grocery shopping is done often seems like the better option: at least there’ll be food in the house.

I feels like damned if you do, damned if you don’t all the time and frankly I find it exhausting. Mostly I try to set up a routine and stick to that. That way, I don’t have to think so much and if I’m doing my routine and find myself feeling too ill, it’s a sign for me to stop and take an assessment. (Because really, I try not to think about how I feel physically as much as possible.)

On a bad day in bed, I feel like even more is at stake, in some ways. As I said in my previous post, it can be great if my kids spend time with me reclined upon pillows, but what about–and I really hate to say this, because my kids are my salvation–the days when I just don’t want them around? Gosh, that looks really awful all typed out. But I’ve got to be honest with myself here: those days exist. If I shoo them away and say “mommy only wants to rest by herself,” will I regret it later when they’re grown and gone?

I don’t know. I try to find a balance, but I can never be sure when I’ll become unbalanced and tip over. Or if I won’t know I have until it’s too late.

Or maybe I’ll have forgotten about it all entirely by tomorrow. Good ol’ brain fog.

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